Sunday, December 02, 2007

It feels like weakness.

Tomorrow night, I got back to the sleep lab for a second sleep test, this time wearing a CPAP mask all night. This is so that I can be sure to have the proper setting on the CPAP machine I will soon have at home.

I've not been able to come to any better acceptance level of the situation than the last time I posted about this. I'm still freaked out, and I can't shake the general feeling that I'm broken somehow. Of course, I didn't actually break anything, but when you get to a point in life where you're on stomach meds every night, and your knees are falling apart, and you've got sleep apnea, you can't help but think that there are forces conspiring against you somehow.

I'm not really big on being "normal", but I do wish that my body worked the way it ought to. I don't think that's too much to ask for.

8 comments:

Andrea SK said...

I hope everything goes well... Having your body go haywire on you is awful.

If it makes you feel any better (in that boy-i'm-glad-i'm-not-there kinda way), my city is about to get hit with 40 centimeters of snow. I won't be able to leave the house even if I want to.

girl least likely to said...

{{{stegan}}} you're not broken! you just need some loving maintenance. :) and if it gives you a chuckle, i'll tell you that i keep reading that as CRAP mask and CRAP machine.

yarn ho said...

Stegan, I feel your pain and I will be thinking about you.

river selkie said...

hope things are a little easier today. and you're not broken. not one of us ever works perfectly, whether we have allergies or creaky knees or stuttering or sleep apnea. we all have something that's not 100%.

stegan said...

Awww, thanks guys. The test went pretty well, and it was sort of nice to have a preview of what actual recuperative sleep feels like. It'll be a couple of weeks until I get the actual machine, but there's a part of me that's actually looking forward to it now.

river selkie said...

never underestimate the power of a good sleep. in a few weeks you'll be kicking yourself for thinking you didn't want the machine! :)

Anonymous said...

So, 6 months later, how are you doing with the CRAP mask and machine? Is it everything you dreamed of? Or a total nightmare?

stegan said...

I couldn't be happier at this point. As a side sleeper, it took a while to adjust to the straps and stuff, but now it's no big deal. And as for how I feel, I feel like a new person every time I get out of bed, ready to face the world. And that's all I could really ask for. :)